she's your cocaine...

Yippee!

2009-06-09T03:25:09Z

I got a promotion today! My boss is leaving at the end of the month, so I applied to take his position as Financial Services Manager. Basically instead of being in charge of the client monies, I"ll be in charge of the whole agency's money instead... among other things I guess. I'm excited and happy for the pay raise and extra work! New decade of salary, here I am!

Has it really been 30 weeks since I've updated?

freedom

2008-11-04T15:31:26Z

Please remember to VOTE TODAY if you haven't already done so by mail or early voting.

VOTE TODAY!!!!

And, for good measure, if you're still undecided, can I throw in my plea for Barack Obama?

Thus ends your public service announcement from a desperate voter in Washington state.

P.S. JC THIS MEANS YOU! You live in a pretty contentious state, so please do your part especially, okay love?

coffee break

2008-11-02T15:40:41Z

I am really happy.

Thank you all who knew me when I wasn't, and still know me now.

There are a lot of things for me to be grateful for in my life, and I'm trying to make sure I don't take any thing for granted.

Love you all.

New Job!!

2008-07-25T15:31:37Z

I got a new job yesterday! I'll be working at this company that works with developmentally disabled adults living in group homes. My role as Financial Services Supervisor will be to work with 25-30 of these adults managing their finances, paying their bills, doling out their spending money, advocating for their SSI, housing allowances, etc. Once or twice a week I will drive to all of these group homes and sit down with each client to discuss their money and their needs for the week and work on budgeting with them, etc. I AM SO EXCITED!!!!! This is the job that I can do, this is the job that I will feel good about, this is the job that will challenge and excite me, and most of all, this is the job that will finally get me into graduate school for Social Work. WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

We're going camping for a night this weekend to celebrate. We're going to explore the Cascade Mountains.

Also, I bought a dress in a size 6 this weekend! :D

Oh and, in two years we'll have enough money to buy a house out here.

Or, in one year we'll have enough money to buy a house somewhere else. Funny, that is.

Love you all!

crazy

2008-07-14T15:20:38Z

Ugh I hate being a crazy woman. Bennett always says these wonderful things like about how he just wants to take care of me and love me and devote himself to me, and then,you know, he like leaves his socks on the floor and I have a freakout. Why am I still so ridiculous? He's so patient and I want, really, really want to be so amazing to him and not have these ridiculous expectations that he's going to say the perfect thing every single time, but then I am such a bitch/freakout. I mean, I'm exaggerating and making myself sound like so awful, which Im' not, and se dont' fight often or anything, but last night I got impatient with him over something so dumb... I was trying to make him a surprise snack, since he had been talking about missing A&W Cheese curds, so i was going ot make him a "light" version of them using string cheese, eggwhite, and breadcrumbs. Well he was trying to be cute and asking me questions and I wasn't feeling like being cute, I just wanted to do this and give it to him and be done with it, so I snapped at him to just let me do this or something.... HONESTLY? Did I really have to be so impatient when he was just showing enthusiasm? Geeeeeez. I mean we talked about it and I apologized for being so ridiculous, but now today I still feel like a bad perosn, you know? I just don't know why I take out my irritation at everything else in my life--mom/work/school/career/friends--on him, when he should/is the one thing I can come home and relax to.

Deep breaths!

Wiiiiiii

2008-05-31T05:57:28Z

We got WiiFit on Monday, and it is SO FUN!!!!

I can't believe how much of a workout I am able to get out of it. I actually found myself excited about getting some exercise tonight.

Facebook photos

2008-03-09T06:37:02Z

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2046630&l=ff1cb&id=184600263

Some of our wedding pictures.

sickoooo

2008-03-03T16:52:10Z

Well I'm definitely sick. I spent all day yesterday fighting a fever that just would not break, and I think it's coming back this morning. =( The good news about being home sick is taht I'm making my way through the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I watched it when Bennett and I started dating, but I had a bad attitude the whole time, so giving it a second chance has actually been really fun. I am halway through the second one, and it's been a really fun way to spend my sick time. Though I am getting tired of just sitting on the couch. It felt good this morning to take a shower. I did the dishes and straightened up a little, and that basically exhausted all of my energy. Guess I don't feel as good as I thought I did.

Oh also, definitely married now. :D Everything went over very well in Jamaica. Tons of fun, sun, food, etc. The ceremony was brief, but nice... the families all got on all right, and we HAD A BUTLER!!! Our room category got mega upgraded and we ended up with this huge penthouse suite type room with butlers and a jacuzzi and two sinks and two plasma TVs.... it was totally crazy and such a fun time.

I'll get around to uploading photos to a website eventually, but for now if you're on Facebook you can find me on there and check out a bunch that everybody has uploaded.

Signing out,

Mrs. Reinhard (hahahah just for fun)

<3

2008-02-14T15:36:48Z

happy valentine's day, live journal friends. :D

blood blood BLOOD

2008-02-13T06:22:08Z

AHHHHHH I AM SO SICK OF HAVING MY STUPID FUCKING PERIOD!!!!!

I had it when I was supposed to.
Didn't have it for a week.
Got it again for a week, talked to my doctor, changed my birthcontrol so that I'd have it for another week (read: 2 weeks in a row).
Started new birth control.
Didn't have my period for 3 days.
HAVE MY FUCKING PERIOD AGAIN!!!!
WHY NOW WHEN I AM GOIGN TO JAMAICA TO GET MARRIED IN 3 DAYS?!?!?!?

AHGKGJGREKLGRJKGRJLFDJKGREJKLGREJK

i just don't want to fucking get pregnant.
I will deal with the blood and guts but NO BABIES!

x

2008-02-10T06:01:05Z

ummmmmmmmm

i definitely just bought my first pair of size 10 jeans. this whole experience is totally unreal.

9 more days!

wowza

2008-02-03T16:31:33Z

Wowza... we're getting married two weeks from tomorrow.

I am SO ready for this.

SHOUT OUT!!!!

2008-01-08T04:16:45Z

How about a shoutout to Michelle for making me the super kickass necklace I plan to wear with my wedidng dress????

She's just super!!

be kind

2007-12-31T06:45:59Z

http://freerice.com

Wrapping it up

2007-12-30T23:52:30Z

01 What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

Got engaged/planned a destination wedding.
Lost 30 pounds in a healthy way.
Moved across the country without my family.
Loved my job.

02 Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't typically make resolutions, because I try to make changes as I see fit, and not just because it's 1/1... but I've been working on my emotional well-being a lot lately, and it seems a good time to challenge myself. So my "resolution" is going to be to really work harder to understand my feelings, instead of acting on them without really doing so.

03 Did anyone close to you give birth?

Close enough, a college friend or two.

04 Did anyone close to you die?

No

05 What countries did you visit?

None, but we're going to Jamaica in February. :D

06 What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

More friends, more money, more confidence.

07 What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Um, I guess May 15th, the day we left Wisconsin for Seattle. But probably not.

08 What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Putting my needs first.

09 What was your biggest failure?

Taking so long to do number 8.

10 Did you suffer illness or injury?

To a much lesser degree than in '06.

11 What was the best thing you bought?

Weight Watchers.

12 Whose behavior merited celebration?

Actually I think Bennett's mom... she has put forth tremendous effort this year.

13 Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Sadly, my own mom's.

14 Where did most of your money go?

Wedding stuff, moving across the country.

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Applying to grad school.

16 What song will always remind you of 2007?

Timebomb.

17 Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? SO MUCH HAPPIER!!!

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner!

c) richer or poorer? Poorer, but still happier.

18 What do you wish you'd done more of?

Adventuring.

19 What do you wish you'd done less of?

Avoiding things I'm uncertain about.

20 How will you be spending Christmas?

Quietly at home with Bennett.

21 How will you be spending New Years?

Not sure yet.

22 Did you fall in love in 2007?

Over and over.

23 How many one-night stands?

Zero!

24 What was your favorite TV program?

Lost, Top Model, Chuck, Six Feet Under, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Weeds.

25 Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No. I try not to hate people.

26 What was the best book you read?

Oh Geez... Eat Pray Love, probably.

27 What was your greatest musical discovery?

Regina Spektor

28 What did you want and get?

A new beginning.

29 What did you want and not get?

More money.

30 What was your favorite film of this year?

Ummm maybe Juno.

31 What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

23 - Had dinner at home with Bennett and my new iPod.

32 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Nothing at all.

33 How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Jeans. Always jeans. Sweaters, t-shirts, long-sleeved shirts, sweatshirts, etc. But always jeans.

34 What kept you sane?

My home.

35 Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Uhhhhh none.

36 What political issue stirred you the most?

Religion.

37 Who did you miss?

Friends.

38 Who was the best new person you met?

Maybe all the people at Morningisde (my work).

39 Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:

Again and again it's always the same: Think before you speak.

40 Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"...Sometimes life's okay..."

New Jeans

2007-12-30T05:31:15Z

Just wanted you all to know that I bought my first pair of size 12 jeans today...which may sound like fatty mcfattypants to some of you, but for me is a FIRST in my life. :D Also, they're Calvin Klein, which makes me feel cooler than I am. Being good to myself is so wonderful!

real life

2007-12-10T03:05:29Z

i'm going to start journaling again... paper-journaling, that is. It seems odd to announce this in here, given that I never update this anyway, but I felt like typing tonight. I've been stressing myself sick lately, and am trying to work through it the old fashioned way. I didn't think there was a real problem until I sat down to write tonight and quickly filled four pages with a list of problems. None of it is severe, but all together is draining.

Good news:

-10 weeks until we get married. :D We bought our wedding bands yesterday and (shhhh don't tell) I'm wearing mine right now and it's so great and plain and i love it. :)

-I'm working on my grad school application. Eeeek

-I've lost almost 30 pounds doing weight watchers over the last 15 weeks. Go me. I'm still overweight, but getting healthier by the day.

-I LOVE my job and can't believe how fun working with kids can be.

-I'm almost at the end of season 5 of Six Feet Under.

-I finally figured out what to get Bennett for christmas thanks to a last minute sleuthing.

-I'm eating popcorn and it's tasty.

-I LOVE Seattle and can't believe I am so lucky to live here.

That's all kiddies.... what's new with you?

I need to make my bones.

2007-10-15T02:19:36Z

I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.
This last concept is a radically new idea for me. Richard from Texas brought it to my attention recently, when I was complaining about my inability to stop brooding. He said, "Groceries, you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever.
One first glance, this seems a nearly impossible task. Control your thoughts? Instead of the other way around? But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. What Richard is talking about is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then--with great forgiveness and fortitude--dismissing them. This is a practice that fits hand-in-glove with any psychological work you do during therapy. You can use the shrink's office to understand why you have these destructive thoughts in the first place; you can use spiritual exercises to help overcome them. It's a sacrifice to let them go, of course. It's a loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes. Of course this all takes practice and effort. It's not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master immediately. It's a constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it for my strength. Devo farmi le ossa is how they say it in Italian. "I need to make my bones."
So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word "Harbor," which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind--a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the lace. and now--let the word go out across the seven seas--there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague of ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts--all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways--you may not come here anymore, either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind--otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end.

from “Eat, Pray, Love” Elizabeth Gilbert (177-179)

azuranutrit @ 2007-08-22T23:08:00

2007-08-23T06:10:30Z

I'm so tired of other people and trying to figure out their fucking puzzle.

once was a girl
who had a little curl
and ripped it out trying
to untangle everyone else
from their stupid fucking meaningless web of pretention

whatever happened to poetry?

Home, home on the raaaaange....

2007-08-22T22:42:34Z

I've been "working from home" this week on a new student handbook for my school. I had just a little bit of editing of content, and a bit of formatting to do. The women at my work expected it to take three days, but I knew it'd only be about four hours, so I figured I'd hang out at home fo r afew days, since there is basically NO work to do at school right now. Everybody is on vacation or "working from home" too. Actually tomorrow morning Bennett and I are going down to the Redwoods in California. It's about 500 miles, so we're going to drive. We shouldn't be spending the money on a hotel or gas, but why not? We haven't taken a trip all summer, if you don't count the 28 hour trip to move across the country.

I used to be really insecure in my relationship with Bennett. Not because he ever did anything to indicate that he was going to fuck me over, but just because I couldn't make myself believe that somebody would really ever want to be with me in this way for this time. But, without even noticing it, lately I find myself feeling so much more confident, and less needy and demanding.

ALSO I am doing some painting again. It's the third in my stickpeople series: autumn. AND Bennett and I got ahold of a corner shelf unit that's unfinished, so we're going to paint the shelves. The bottom one is going to be dirt, brown... then green, grass... then blue sky, clouds, etc. I am SO psyched. We're going to paint little worms in the dirt, and like a bunny or something in the grass. It's going ot be fun. Also I'm spending my afternoon watching old episodes of Veronica Mars season 2. And eating popcorn. And painting. And drinking coffee.

Life is pretty good.

azuranutrit @ 2007-08-12T21:24:00

2007-08-13T04:32:12Z

My mom came to visit this weekend. It was nice to see her, but I felt uncomfortable at times.... like I wasn't sure if I should be treating her like my mom or a guest or both, and I didn't know how to do any of those things. It's been years since I've spent more than a few hours or a day with her, so 3 days made me feel like I was boring her ,when we laid on the couch last night and watched a bad movie on TV. But at the end of the weekend, it was a lovely visit and I do miss her tons. I'm so glad she came and got to see our apartment and our city and (of course) my dress. We went to the shop I ordered it from, and I tried it on with some pearls and a veil and put my hair up, and it was like this transformation happened and I became this amazing, beautiful bride. I cannot wait to marry Bennett.... i am so lucky that my life is turning out this way. Sometimes I get so freaked out when I read stories about couples who were together 4, 5, 6 years and ended their relationship. Should we be waiting until we've outlasted everyone else before we get married? I don't know. It feels right for us to be doing this. I have no doubts about the longevity of our relationship, so why shouldn't we do this? I guess I'm just scared that something is going to go wrong. Something HAS to go wrong, because I've prepped myself for it my entire life.... I had absolutely convinced myself that I was going to die alone, and had even started to accept it, you know? Anyway, I guess it's all fine, I'm just excited and nervous and self-conscious. I've been working out the last month or so. 3 nights a week I do some arm exercises, time on the stationary bike, and crunches of all kinds. It feels good, but I don't know how to look for results. I look back on pictures of myself in high school and early college and can't believe I thought I was "fat" when I was far from it, in my baggy clothes that I didn't even realize were way too big for me. Oh what a silly girl. I'm happier with my appearance lately, because working out makes me feel healthy and good, which is the most important step, I suppose. now I just have to make more of an effort to eat healthier, but I find it so hard at times because it seems like I am hungry ALL THE TIME and I don't know how to suppress that, and my history of headaches from hunger makes me fear letting my belly grumble for too long. Ah well, I've been trying to keep more fruit around so that the sugar keeps me from getting a headache when I'm starved. It's just so hard to pack a healthy lunch, right? How else can I justify my unhealthy lunches? Ah it's really okay, I'm just looking for some place to vent that isn't Bennett. I don't want to keep being that girl "i'm so fat and ugly why do you love me?!?!" eventually he's going to start to believe it. I love my job still. I just saw "The Pianist". Whoa. What a flick, man.

azuranutrit @ 2007-08-02T07:13:00

2007-08-02T14:19:05Z

Tonight I'm going to an information session at UWSeattle for their MSW (Masters of Social Work) program. They offer a night session, so for 11 quarters (3 years)I could do class from 6-9 a few days a week, plus field work internships an afternoon or two a week the 2nd and 3rd year. I think this is a really practical solution to my need to go to grad school, but not being able to give up work. PLUS it's super cheap.... only 16,000 for the whole program, which can be paid quarterly (Approx. 1500 a quarter!) and we could totally manage that! I mean, it'd be a stretch to manage my time, but I did it in college, I can do it again if need be.

Otherwise everything else is going really well... my mom is finally coming to visit next weekend, so I'm going to take her around and to see my dress (!!!) and Pike Place Market, etc. Mostly her visit is about which really yummy ethnic restaurants I can bring her to. There's an amazing Greek restaurant down the hill from us, so she definitely wants to eat there (haha the one thing she gave up when she left my dad was the Greek food. Silly).

I LOVE my job still, even if there is sometimes problematic communication and you get directions to do a project from 3 different people, in 3 different ways. It's still fun and I LOVE the kids, which I never, ever thought I'd say. I still remember my first day there how I came home totally horrified that I'd actually have to INTERACT with the kids, and now I take breaks to go play foosball with them. :D

Anyway, that's all folks.

Peace

girl stuff

2007-07-08T23:26:24Z

Okay I'm pretty sure I found the dress I'm going to wear. Please let me post it and don't get mad at me for being so girlie lately, but I don't have any female friends in Seattle yet.

I haven't officially decided yet, but I'm def. leaning toward that.

who would wanna be, who would wanna be...

2007-06-25T01:57:57Z

so I absolutely LOVE my job. I'm working at a nonprofit private school for kids who don't do so hot in regular schools. The school has a lot of individualized programs and really small classes, so the kids don't get lost in the crowd. The teachers are a group of really great people (except for one bitch, but there's always gonna be one, I guess). I work at the front desk, but because we're such a small school I'm a frontdesk/recess supervisor/school nurse/conflict resolver/shit cleaner upper/mom-caller. Basically, I have a lot of fun every day, and feel really good about what I'm doing. I never thought i'd be working with kids, let alone ENJOYING (mostly) working with kids. Plus, they pay 100% of my medical insurance bill, PLUS all medical bills. ALL medical bills. ALL.

Our furniture FINALLY came and our apartment looks fantastic. I love how cozy it feels, and I don't just mean to politely say SMALL. It feels warm and homey and I love curling up on the couch with a good book, hot coffee, and my warm cats. When I look out of the huge windows in the living room there is a great view of downtown Seattle and Lake Union. At night it's spectacular.

AND Bennett and I have decided that instead of going to back Wisconsin to get married in June, we are going to Jamaica to get married in February. We're going to stay at the Sandals in Negril and get married on February 18th or 19th (still working out dates). I am so excited about this plan, not only because it means going to Jamaica and having a picturesque sunset wedding on the beach, but because it means we don't have to suck it up and just get married in Wisconsin to please our families. I think this is a really big step in OUR adult life together, to make this decision for ourselves and not just trying to please our families (aka HIS mom).

Speaking of HIS mom..... I still just wish she didn't have to be a part of my life. She is so self-involved and she's even trying to make this new wedding plan all about her. She's refusing to listen to our pleas for parents to only stay 3 nights, and instead wants to stay the whole week with us and use it as the honeymoon she never had (which means, it will also be the honeymoon we don't have). Which really pisses me off, because this is OUR honeymoonwedding, NOT hers, so she should just listen for once in her fucking life. So Bennett made her promise to change resorts because we really want to be selfish and alone, which is definitely our right. Plus, she doesn't even really want to talk to us about any of it. She doesn't even know where we're staying, because we can't keep her attention for five minutes about the whole thing. I know he's her baby and she won't accept any of it yet, but you'd think she'd at least try to take an interest, right? Instead she just bitched about how his brother and sister might not be able to make it because we picked such an expensive wedding.

*sigh* I hope I can learn how to deal with her properly eventually. It's hard, because I think she has an emotional and social disability that I just can't speak to.

Also, I made this delicious lemon pepper pasta with asparagus tonight that was SO easy to make. I've always avoided cooking with asparagus, because when my mom makes it it's so mushy... But it turns out that's just her! It was soooooo yummy. Let me know if you want the recipe at all.

Well, I guess this is the most I've written in like 4843939023 years, so I better wrap it up.

peace.

azuranutrit @ 2007-05-22T10:04:00

2007-05-22T17:09:37Z

I got a job working at a nonprofit school, doing adminstrative/jackofalltrades stuff, which is FANTASTIC opportunity for me to learn about nonprofits, get the experience i need, without having to have any nonprofit experience, if you know what i mean. Plus, they offered me something way below what I wanted, but I lied and said I had anothe roffer WAY above that, and if they could meet me halfway it'd be great, and they bought it and did. :D so now i can live. somewhat. It's kind of freaking expensive here. But it's great because this job will purchase a year-long bus pass for me, which i can use ANY TIME, 24 hours a day! And the public transportation kicks butt in Seattle.

Man oh man, I love it here.